UPDATE

Because this blog has too many posts and is full of random junk anyways, I have created a new blog! The URL is ellanutella4612.wordpress.com , and I will still be posting the same things I did on this blog (comedy posts, deep questions, murder advice, etc), but basically with a different URL and a purple background. Anyone who enjoyed FTSOA, feel free to follow EllaNutella! Thanks for making FTSOA a success and supporting the bizarre things I post.❤

Rock Circle

Okay, so I was driving past my old elementary school today when I happened to notice a new addition to the prison yard: a circle of rocks surrounding what appeared to be a fireplace. 

“Oh, look at that! They added some new rocks”, Mom said.

“Yeah, some kind of fire pit”, I said. 

“I wonder what it’s for”, Mom said.

“Judging from what I know about the school, they probably have the kids sit around a burning fire during lunch as they whisper demonic chants and throw offerings from their lunch into the fire, then conclude their worship session by using the recorders from music class to summon Satan with Hot Cross Buns”, I guessed.

Which is probably true, considering that it’s Mann Elementary School. Some of those teachers were pretty scary.

14086433744317 

Hot Cross Buns!

Hot Cross Buns!

One, a pentagram,

Two, a pentagram,

Hot Cross Buns!

If you have no daughters,

Give them to Satan,

One, a pentagram,

Two, a pentagram,

HOT CROSS BUNS!

Racist Polar Bears “BEAR-eotypes”

Do you think bears are ever racist towards different types of bears or have racial “bear-eotypes”? Like, for example, “This is a grizzly-bears-only table. NO POLAR BEARS ALLOWED because polar bears suck.” “Panda bears are really geeky anime freaks, polar bears live at Starbucks and wear Uggs and post like a billion selfies, koalas are really ghetto and sell drugs to gangster black bears, and yeah.” Yeah, you get the point. “White-girl” polar bears, drug-dealing koalas, ghetto, druggie black bears, anime-loving pandas, et cetera. Seriously, though. Stay away from the koalas. Screen Shot 2014-08-14 at 10.50.02 AM

Frosty: The Real Deal (Edited)

So, “Frosty the snowman was a jolly happy soul”? Well, think again. Hmm…Jolly? Perhaps he does find happiness in the kidnapping, disobeying of social services, and nudity he partakes in. Let’s look further into this beloved holiday carol kids sing round the fireplace, not knowing the obscene, dark side of this song. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the pervert snowman.
So, “he led them round the streets of town…” “Them” is the kids. He is leading children downtown without parent permission or supervision and is running through the streets like these are his children! Frosty is a maniacal spaz! “…right to the traffic cop, and he only paused a moment when he heard him holler, STOP!!!” Disobeying of the social services here! He is going to get these children RUN OVER and KILLED! Who does this iceball think he is?? Oh, and unless you haven’t seen the movie, you know all this thing wears is a pipe (I thought we shouldn’t teach kids to smoke!!!) and a top hat, and maybe a necktie in some versions. Oh, and what if he impales a little kid with his broomstick? Frosty runs through the streets UNCLOTHED, LEADING CHILDREN EVERYWHERE, AND DISOBEYING THE SOCIAL SERVICES!
What the frick is wrong with this guy?!

Ella’s Mugging, Vandalism, and Murdering Tips

Dedicated to my friend Cecily, who will definitely use this advice when she commits the mass murder-robbery that will reopen Alcatraz.

 

My friend Helena and I were talking last night about egging the middle school (something we, sadly, did not accomplish), and I have decided that I would be a pretty good criminal.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you… ELLA’S MUGGING, VANDALISM, AND MURDERING TIPS!

M*U*R*D*E*R

* If you murder someone, bury the victim 6 – 10 feet under a dead squirrel. Body-sniffing hounds will dig up the squirrel and think it’s a false positive, therefore never finding the body.

* When murdering someone, always wear some type of glove or hairnet when handling a weapon or a body. NEVER LEAVE ANY FINGERPRINTS OR FORMS OF DNA BEHIND!

* Wear a wig or temporarily dye your hair when committing the murder. It is also helpful to wear colored contacts and always throw away the clothes you wear after you kill your selected victim.

* A gun or a knife works best when trying to kill someone as quickly as possible. Always kill someone quickly, so that they have less time to draw attention to the scene by screaming or crying, therefore giving you more time to escape the scene of the crime.

* If you cannot escape quickly and police find you running from the scene, make up a lie about you being a witness and running from the murderer. It is always best to compose a believable story BEFORE the murder!

V*A*N*D*A*L*I*S*M

* When vandalizing a building, do not write or draw anything that could lead the police or witnesses to believe the vandal was you. This is why you should usually just write some sort of slang word or popular meme when vandalizing a building.

* Disguise yourself (see “MURDER”).

* Run away as quickly as possible. If running away is not an option, try and:
a) Appear casual
or
b) Duck into the nearest bush or tree

M*U*G*G*I*N*G

* When mugging or attacking a person, make sure there are no security cameras watching your little “show”. ALWAYS MUG IN PRIVATE!!!😉

* Disguise yourself (see “Murder”).

* I don’t know all that much about mugging, so this is it.

IMPORTANT!!!

When committing any of these wonderful crimes, a great disguise to use is a Morphsuit while wearing stilts or high heels (stilts/heels go IN the Morphsuit!) so that your height and looks cannot be determined. This way, you can hide some normal clothes in a nearby public building, commit your crime, run back to the building, change in a vacant restroom in a vacant area (so that no one sees you go in the restroom), then walk out and pretend you are a normal person partaking in normal activities.

Good luck, and don’t get caught!😀

This Man Is A Genius

When a kid is being a brat in a noisy and public area, I casually get close to them and fart on their head/face. I’m really tall so it’s usually a direct hit.

It’s funniest when the kid notices and doesn’t know what to do because I’m a giant.

One time I was pretty drunk with a friend at a Target buying Risk. This little mexican 5-7 year old with a mohawk, was being an insufferable little shit in the action figure section. I heard him from like 5 aisles over and it was like nails on a chalkboard. I tell my friend, “I’m gonna fart on this kids head. Watch and learn.”

I saunter on over to the aisle in question and see the vile little prick calling his mom an “idiot” for not buying him a huge G.I. JOE The Movie vehicle. “I already bought that one for you and you broke it by throwing it down the stairs” “SHUT UP. I NEED IT. IT’S THE ONLY ONE I DON’T HAVE NOW.” The mother was younger than me (I’m mid twenties) and gave a defeated look, “I don’t have enough money right now.” “YOU ARE AN IDIOT,” and continued to just berate and publicly shame this woman. 

At the time, I was on a strict Chipotle carnitas burrito diet. And while I was watching all this, my stomach gave me an initial warning gurgle (very courteous stomach) telling me I was about an hour away from punishing the toilet. Serendipity! Destiny!

The kid shouts “F**K YOU, I HATE YOU!” The mom rolls her eyes and turns her back to the kid to ignore him. And could you believe it, the kid gets on his hands and knees and starts taking the toy out of the box. It’s go time, mother**ker. 

I position my back towards him and at this point am like 2 feet away from him. I bend down to reach for the one of the toys on the lower shelf. At this point, my a** is INCHES away from this kids head. 

I’m so close that from a distance it looks like I’m about to sit on him,. My friend sees this happening and can no longer contain himself. He’s covering his mouth, but his ‘hee-haw’ hyperventilating donkey chortle is fairly audible over the late 90’s pop muzak playing on the loudspeakers. 

The kid immediately looks up towards the laughter, but can’t help but notice there is an ass now directly in his face. Now, I’m trying not to laugh but also panicking as I just made eye contact with him. He furls his brow and I look over in the mother’s direction, still back towards us. I relish in the moment and the look on this child’s confused and naive face.

The initial blast was mighty and boisterous. I swear I saw his hair blowing in the wind (so to speak). If I wasn’t wearing jeans, I think it could have probably blown over an empty soda can. I would call it “a very fun fart” (A++ would buy again). However, what immediately followed that out the chamber was truly horrifying. The fart’s implication changed without notice and swiftly. It went from a joyous, dry airhorn squeal to a nefarious, hissing mephitis. I think the little moppet noticed the hateful metamorphosis before even I did because he wretched his neck violently trying to get away from the personified evil being fumigated into his soul. Because of his positioning (hovering over the toy, hands and knee), it was all in vain as the only way out was forward…and forward would mean certain death. 

In total, it lasted about 4 seconds but for that kid, it must have seemed like time was frozen. The long-term severe brain damage which he no doubt suffered, only added to that effect. 

When I finished, there was a silent, pregnant pause. The kid was clearly shocked and stunned. No one had ever stood up to this dwarf sociopath in his whole life. I had taken the words out of his mouth and filled it with fart.

I make my move first, picking up the toy I was “reaching for” off the low shelf, take a few steps forward and stare at it for a few seconds. The only thing the kid could manage to do was burst into tears. My friend senses danger ‘the jig is up’ and his head darts for cover. The mom turns around to see her kid with an open toy, crying on the floor and me minding my own business.

She walks up to him and asks what’s wrong but the kid can’t speak. All he gets out is, “BAWAWAAAWAFARTBAWAWA.” It took every fiber in my body not to laugh. 

Sensing that his assailant was getting away scot-free, he somehow managed to compose himself for a moment. He shouts, “HE FARTED ON ME!” I was ALMOST around the corner when the mom goes:

“Excuse me….sir….SIR!” 

I turn around nonplussed, “Uh…who? Me?” while pointing to myself.

“Yes. Did YOU just FART on my son?”

Weighing my options, I played dumb. “What? I mean, I did fart.” 

“On my son?”

“Well, I mean, technically speaking…I mean…what is ‘on’?” 

“Why did you fart on my son?”

At this point the little kid has the look of schadenfreude on his face, happy to see me in trouble. F**k you, I’M A MAN! I WILL FART ON YOU IF I PLEASE! I turn my attention to the little kid and stare at him, “Because the whole store could hear him being a little, rotten a**hole to his mother so I thought I’d come over here and treat him like one.”

The mom looks at me, her son and the scattered GI JOE/wrappers/box on the floor. The mom is puzzled as to what to do and says, “Just..just go.” That’s my cue! I turn around, walk away with little extra step. As soon as I turn the corner, I book it outside as fast as I can.

We laugh on the car ride back about the whole scene. With a slight hint of seriousness in his tone, my friend asks me:

“Do you do that a lot?” 

“Ahhh, not that much. Like once every 6 months or so.”

We both knew I was lying.

(I copied and pasted this from another guy’s personal WordPress blog. I forget the URL, but this is amazing.)

Dagny’s Bucket List

  1. Eat bacon
  2. Visit another country
  3. Get married
  4. Have whiskey
  5. Eat chocolate
  6. Meet a celebrity
  7. Go sledding
  8. Google yourself
  9. Wear a pajetter (pajama sweater)
  10. Wear a pajoga (pajama toga)
  11. Wear a pajini (pajama bikini)
  12. Live to 16
  13. Swing on a swing
  14. Slide on a slide
  15. Learn 5 tricks
  16. Eat Breakfast in Bed
  17. Fly on a plane
  18. Go to college
  19. Have a near-death-experience
  20. Go to another continent
  21. Try dog yoga (doga)
  22. Take a cruise
  23. Compete in a dog show
  24. Visit a national park
  25. Be in a movie
  26. Be a model
  27. March in a parade
  28. Hike the Triple Crown
  29. Become an Emotional Support Dog
  30. Go geocaching
  31. Go to the beach
  32. Stay at a luxury pet resort
  33. Stay at a ratty motel
  34. Jump on a trampoline
  35. Order food at a drive-thru
  36. Make PUPsicles
  37. Go ice skating
  38. Play in the snow
  39. Go camping
  40. Break a world record
  41. Play piano
  42. Host a birthday party
  43. Attend a birthday party
  44. Dress in a fun costume
  45. Attend an MLB game
  46. Discover my DNA
  47. Watch Marley and Me
  48. Create a dog masterpiece
  49. Drink wine
  50. Play in the sand
  51. Visit That Pet Place
  52. Try Zorbing
  53. Take a mud bath
  54. Make a stepping stone
  55. Walk down the aisle at a wedding
  56. Audition for Who Let the Dogs Out
  57. Play with poop
  58. Cheat on my husband
  59. Get in a fist fight
  60. Get my own holiday
  61. Go swimming

I hope I can do all of them! – Dagny