Ella’s Mugging, Vandalism, and Murdering Tips
Dedicated to my friend Cecily, who will definitely use this advice when she commits the mass murder-robbery that will reopen Alcatraz.
My friend Helena and I were talking last night about egging the middle school (something we, sadly, did not accomplish), and I have decided that I would be a pretty good criminal.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you… ELLA’S MUGGING, VANDALISM, AND MURDERING TIPS!
* If you murder someone, bury the victim 6 – 10 feet under a dead squirrel. Body-sniffing hounds will dig up the squirrel and think it’s a false positive, therefore never finding the body.
* When murdering someone, always wear some type of glove or hairnet when handling a weapon or a body. NEVER LEAVE ANY FINGERPRINTS OR FORMS OF DNA BEHIND!
* Wear a wig or temporarily dye your hair when committing the murder. It is also helpful to wear colored contacts and always throw away the clothes you wear after you kill your selected victim.
* A gun or a knife works best when trying to kill someone as quickly as possible. Always kill someone quickly, so that they have less time to draw attention to the scene by screaming or crying, therefore giving you more time to escape the scene of the crime.
* If you cannot escape quickly and police find you running from the scene, make up a lie about you being a witness and running from the murderer. It is always best to compose a believable story BEFORE the murder!
* When vandalizing a building, do not write or draw anything that could lead the police or witnesses to believe the vandal was you. This is why you should usually just write some sort of slang word or popular meme when vandalizing a building.
* Disguise yourself (see “MURDER”).
* Run away as quickly as possible. If running away is not an option, try and:
a) Appear casual
b) Duck into the nearest bush or tree
* When mugging or attacking a person, make sure there are no security cameras watching your little “show”. ALWAYS MUG IN PRIVATE!!! 😉
* Disguise yourself (see “Murder”).
* I don’t know all that much about mugging, so this is it.
When committing any of these wonderful crimes, a great disguise to use is a Morphsuit while wearing stilts or high heels (stilts/heels go IN the Morphsuit!) so that your height and looks cannot be determined. This way, you can hide some normal clothes in a nearby public building, commit your crime, run back to the building, change in a vacant restroom in a vacant area (so that no one sees you go in the restroom), then walk out and pretend you are a normal person partaking in normal activities.
Good luck, and don’t get caught! 😀